Tried and Found Guilty..

Guilt is one of the worst feelings ever.. Especially when you keep convicting yourself again and again.. It doesn't let you sleep a wink.. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.. But it happens to everyone at some point.. And there's nothing you can do to help it.. Cos aren't we all just human.. 

    I tried myself and found myself guilty.. So I condemned myself.. well atleast no one else did.. But every moment it feels like somebody is gonna blame you and that makes you very defensive.. You get abusive and irritable for no reason.. You just hate yourself for doing what you did.. Or maybe you aren't angry about something you did but rather that you didn't do anything.. If you'd known the result of your negligence maybe you wouldve done something.. But life doesn't give you tips.. But maybe you will feel better if you were forgiven.. Am sure that will be a relief.. But what if you are never going to get that chance.. Never.. You can never make it up or say how sorry you are.. No one knows.. No one can know or share that pain.. Its a little too late to think about what you could have done.. Its all over and you can never be forgiven.. The guilt devours you fom inside, replaying it over and over in your head.. You hear things in the night.. Thoughts keep haunting you.. Eyes staring at you and you keep wishing you had one more chance..

    It's not fair.. Or do I even have an option.. I am the guilty one here.. This is where Christ came in.. He nailed all the bad stuff on the cross.. So all of it is far far away now.. Jesus is awesome! 

    I recently read that the closer you are to God, the more you convict yourself of sin cause when you compare yourself to His holiness, you are basically nothing. When you realise that you are no longer going to be proud of yourself or what you are.

    Another alarming thing I found was, I blame myself for things in which I have no part whatsoever. I realised, when something bad happens around me and I cant find a reason for it or when what happened is so unreasonable or unfair, putting the blame on myself gives a sort of comfort. I dont know how to put it exactly in words but I have the answer in my head..